Finding the Balance

I didn't attend shabbat this Friday (Friday shabbat, despite its incredible energy and attraction for me, are subject to the restriction known as 'train fare'). This week I found myself learning how to dance Ceroc.

So where is the connection with Kabbalah? I hear you ask...

Well, for one thing, I arrived at my friend's cozy warm flat at 5pm, freezing cold, wet from walking in sleet and tired from lugging a weekend bag across half of London. I was in no mood to go back out and I felt inwardly sulky. In fact, I will now confess that my grumpy thoughts whilst I was stomping down the long, slushy hill extended to 'well, with any luck, the class won't be running' and 'perhaps she won't want to head out in this weather' and 'I don't even know how to dance and I am NOT in the mood to learn tonight'. I even found myself thinking 'I would much rather be going to shabbat' because I wasn't entering in to the unknown and knew that I would be getting in return i.e. a massive boost of energy.

But no, my friend was not thinking any of my thoughts, loved dancing and being a single mother, rarely got the opportunity. Luckily for me, my friend was determined to go (after all, that is why I had been invited) and luckily for her (I guess) this 'Kabbalah stuff' has taught me that Sharing is the name of the game and has hopefully made me a better person as a result. (I have a long way to go, but hey, I'm working on it).

So I gave myself a bit of a talking to. It wasn't just the cold (which I had by then recovered from) which was putting me off, it was the fear of the unknown, of not knowing how I would get on in the class, of meeting new people, of getting it wrong. I was feeling fairly insular all day on Friday and would have liked to have hibernated. And given the situation, I could either choose to be awkward and be dragged along by the scruff of the neck, acting like a really miserable b*tch and leaving my friend wishing that she had never asked me and knowing she would never ask me again. Or I could choose to actually get over myself, choose to enjoy the dancing even if it didn't turn out to be my bag (if you don't try, you don't know), and choose to give my friend the fun evening out that she so clearly desired and deserved.

I put my happy face on. I packed my 'hot date boots'. I left the flat with her and found that, actually, it no longer felt that cold.

And despite my 'hot date boots' skidding and slipping helplessly on the wooden dance floor all evening, leading one guy to comment "Yer all over the place. You have t'be better than that if yer want t'dance wi' me", I had a good time. And every time I caught myself dancing with someone who I wouldn't normally choose to be within ten feet of (see above), or thinking 'think of the energy I would have got from shabbat. I am missing out' I reined myself in and thought 'well, you're not at shabbat, you're here, and you're not making the most of it, which is a waste. Your choice'. And I made the conscious choice to enjoy myself.

I danced with some really great men too - in fact, I couldn't believe how many men were actually there (I have spent so much of my time dancing salsa paired up with another girl). Most of the men were so kind and put up with me turning the wrong way every now and again, or missing a hand hold. I didn't actually tread on anyone's feet and I didn't fall over. I did accidentally hit some poor chap in the face (and I don't know how he laughed it off because I think I broke a nail on his teeth!), but he didn't seem to bear a grudge. Okay, so he avoided me for the rest of the evening, but he didn't bear a grudge.

And at the end of the night I found myself dancing and then talking with a really nice guy who I would never have met if I hadn't been there.

I need to find my own balance with Kabbalah. I find that every time I attend the centre I receive energy - and perhaps that is something that I really crave at this point in my life, something that I need. There are so many great things going on at the centre that I could be there just about every day of the week - it is so easy to get 'greedy' for the Light. It's addictive. But where would the rest of my life be? And how would I get a life if I was attending the centre at every opportunity?

There is a balance there for me somewhere and I am working on finding it. It would be better for me to never attend the centre but 'do the work' in the 1% world, than attend the centre at every opportunity, grab the energy and not put any of it in to practice. All the same, with my tendencies for never seeing anything through, starting projects and never finishing, I am wary of being away from the centre for any length of time. So we'll see. Like I said, Balance (which I didn't seem to have too much of on the dance floor - maybe I can work on that too. I blame the boots).

My reward for not being a miserable cow on Friday? A chilled and relaxed weekend of delicious home cooked food, lots of girl talk, glasses of wine and a batch of homemade oatmeal, raisin and apricot biscuits.... Now that's good energy.