So it's been a bit of an odd week. A week filled with immense hide-in-the-corner lows, but punctuated with miracles. Or at least, that's what I call them. You may call them what you please.
I am getting closer to realise my issues regarding finding work. I want to run my own personal development workshops, aimed at working with women with low self esteem - from those generally timid, single and depressed for whatever reason, to those looking for love, to those who have been in violent relationships.
The problem with this is that it is something that will need to grow in time until it is earning a solid income. It isn't like opening a coffee shop next to a railway station, where there is a captive audience and an instant income.
So in the meantime I need to find a job. But what job? I know what I want to do with my life - but am having trouble seeing the Right Now. Plus I have been out of work for so long that I just don't know how to sell it anymore - how do I explain that gap whilst convincing an employer that I am the person that they are looking for?
So I've had a couple of days of feeling very low, and my inactivity and depression then started to eat in to my future vision too, which is to inspire people. So, how inspiring do I feel, sitting in a corner and trying to block out my life? The answer was "Not remotely".
So I made my decision - let's find a job - any job - and put the personal development business on hold for a few years. Let's leave that until I am in a better place myself.
So then I receive a phone call from my teacher (oddly enough at exactly the same time that I was thinking about him). We haven't spoken in weeks. When I explained my feelings on the personal development business he explained "Two people can be hungry, but one person can teach the other person how to deal with that hunger. Do you think that the teachers at the Kabbalah centre are not still struggling with their ego's? Do you think that we have 'learned Kabbalah' and are now ready how to teach people to become perfect like us? No! We are all still battling our ego, but we can teach what we know will work". Or in other words, I don't need to be a perfect example in order to help other people. (In fact, I am a prime example of seeing the good in other people without being able to see it in myself).
We made an arrangement to meet on Wednesday (which may now have to be postponed for reasons as you will see) and the plan is to write a 'contract' with the Creator. It's time to make some noise. It's time to say "Hey! I'm going to do these things and in return I expect this, this and this". It's time to be a squeaky wheel.
So, feeling rather elevated after my conversation and in full squeaky wheel mode, I headed for my "I've been signing on for a year and now I need you to check up on me" interview with the Job Centre. And I was completely honest about what I intended to do and where I needed help. And I left feeling rather positive, with a stack more information than I had when I arrived.
But then on Friday I hit another massive low which (way too late) I discovered to be due to PMT. I felt hideously bored and lonely. There isn't a single thing that I wanted to make progress on. Or at least, not on my own. If someone (Brad Pitt, maybe, or Hugh Jackman) had popped round for a cup of tea, I would have immediately brightened up, but alas, nobody knocked at my door. The frustration felt so huge that I wanted to take my brain out and stamp on it. But I refrained. I just wanted somebody - anybody - to say "let's do this" (and I wasn't really bothered about what the 'this' was, as long as it wasn't immoral or cruel).
But during this low came another realisation - the connection between lack of desire to apply for jobs and my work history. It's no wonder that I am reluctant to throw myself back in to the job market. In all of my career I have never had a good manager, and never been happy at work. There were years at a time where I would worry for hours, lose sleep and wake up feeling sick at the thought of going in to work. I can't actually imagine there being a different reality. So building a positive statement of "Yes! I want to work!" was proving to be impossible, because my ego is saying "why the hell do you want to put yourself through that kind of trauma again? It's far better for you to stay safe in the house and watch your bank account dwindle, isn't it?"
It feels like a real dichotomy - I work best when someone else sets my goals (which at the moment there is nobody around to do that) but I also have never liked the people who have set my goals in the past. I need to start applying for jobs so that I can be given direction, but at the moment have the attention span of a spaniel in a field full of rabbits and chocolate cake.
So this morning I attended Shabbat, still feeling the wave of despair. By the end of the service I felt slightly better (as I always do) and then spoke to one of the women who has been running the Business Gym. It is strange, because the first few times I worked with her I felt completely intimidated by her, but this morning I found myself just opening up about my situation. My mouth was saying the words "totally sick of myself" and "low self-esteem" and "negative experience all my life with work" and my ego was jumping around in the background screaming "What the f*ck!!!? SHUT UP YOU MORON! Why are you telling her?! Call the men in white coats! This one has lost it totally!"
But within two minutes, this very same woman had put me in touch with a chap who runs courses on goal setting and self esteem - exactly for people in my situation. The next course is due to take place on Tuesday and Wednesday, and for the cost of nothing more than a train fare, I am booked on it.
Every time I reach a new all time low and beg for help, something miraculous happens.
And that is why I love Kabbalah, and that is why I am starting to trust in the Light.
20 hours ago