Everything for a reason

At last! Finally! I find something to post on my 99% blog!

So I have gone through a slight hiccup in the Finding of my Soul Mate process. Or in other words, last night, Potential New Man called me and dumped me.

Before I found Kabbalah I would have fallen in to a pit of depression at this news - and to begin with, I did join the ranks of the rejected and dejected and felt a bit sorry for myself. But this only lasted an hour or so, after which I decided to look at things Kabbalistically.

I had only two dates with Potential New Man (who will now be known as Soulmate Lesson No 1 - SLN1) and as per my usual behaviour, I analysed every word, every action, everything we talked about - trying to find out what his Values and Direction were in order to see how they matched with mine. He was very keen, honest and open. He was - and still is - a nice guy. We talked a lot about Kabbalah - in fact, the conversation during our two brief dates was continually pulled towards Kabbalah, much as I tried to divert it. I found that he was questioning my beliefs a lot - especially with things like "but how do you know that x works?" and "you have to be careful not to get sucked in to these things" (given his experience of being sucked in to a personal development company - I tried to explain that Kabbalah wasn't the same as Landmark but maybe he will digest that information later).

Anyway, last night he called and said "I've been thinking about you and me, specifically around what you said about values and direction, and although I absolutely melt whenever I see you, I know that I am looking for someone who is financially secure and that sooner or later that will come between us"
So there was a backhanded compliment, if ever I heard it. On the one hand, having an energy that makes this man weak at the knees, but on the other being seen as a bit of a burden on the financial front.

But after a brief period of getting over the surprise of being dumped, I switched on my spiritual head and opened myself up to one question:

If everyone comes in to your life for a reason, why did he come in to mine?

And I can't say that I truly have the answer - it could be a number of reasons.
Firstly, it could be that I still do not love myself as I am, in my current situation, to feel equal with somebody who is earning more money than I am or already established in doing something that I want to do.
Secondly, it could be my own fear of lack of money that is raising its ugly head. I need to address that one.
Thirdly, it could be a lesson on practising what I preach. I was tempted to send him a humorus and friendly email which included the words "life isn't about money, it's about unconditional love" and then I thought 'Was I judging him on how much he earned?' Guilty as charged.

It could be all manner of things and maybe the message needs to be repeated to become clearer. All the same, I feel remarkably calm. Happy, even.

And to reverse the psychology a little - I came in to his life for a reason too. Now that's interesting.

I may see him around the Kabbalah centre in the future (possibly at the Business Gym breakfast meetings) and he wants to keep things friendly - and so do I. I feel lucky that he was so honest so early on and I also feel thankful that one of us noticed a difference in our values and direction before much time passed. (And for that reason, I am also grateful for the 'Spiritual Rules of Engagement' book, without which I would never have talked about 'Values and Direction' and would still be muddling through and making far more mistakes).

And tonight I might possibly see him at Ceroc. And perhaps this is a little un-Kabbalah, but there is something very exciting in knowing that out of all of the men I dance with, I will be driving at least one of them wild.

And I guess for that reason, added to his honesty and restriction, I respect him all the more.

Who are you, really?

Over the past couple of days I have been seeking out information from my Kabbalah 1, 2 and 3 courses. And the information isn't there when I look, which is very confusing. Or at least, it is never where I expect it to be.

Two days ago I sought out the Kabbalistic meaning of dreams, thinking that I remembered which course it was from, and couldn't find it anywhere.
Today I was seeking for the definition of the three aspects of who each of us are, and I can't seem to find that either. But I did find my brief notes on the meaning of dreams, tucked away in a different set of notes from another course.

I find this frustrating and amusing all at once. Frustrating because I thought my memory was fairly reliable, and amusing because it just goes to show that nothing is as it seems.

So, from my wholly unreliable memory, the three aspects of who we are:

1. Who we are when we are totally on our own. The way we behave when there is nobody around to see us. The side of us that we hide from other people. The internal thoughts and feelings that we like to keep to ourselves.
   
2. The way we would like ourselves to be - our future vision, our potential.
3. The person that we allow other people to see and who we believe that other people think we are.

Okay, so here's where it gets personal and complicated. Here is how those three aspects of my Self manifest.

I dislike person number one immensely. Person number one is the person only my nearest and dearest get to see. Person number one is the one who has driven non-blood related relationships to an early grave. I want to escape so hard from person number one, that I spend far too much time day-dreaming and planning about becoming person number two. And then I feel frustrated because dreaming about becoming person number two completely opposes what I need to do to become person number two.

Person number three is the facade. Person number three for me requires such a great deal of acting at times that I am genuinely surprised each year not to be included in the Oscar nominations. There feels like such a huge gulf between person number three and person number one. This doesn't mean that when I am with other people I am pretending to be happy. I enjoy being person number three. I enjoy escaping from person number one. But when I go home I become person number one again and that's the part that I try hard to forget and don't want to discuss.

The more I spend time with people, the harder it is to conceal person number one (which, if you think about it, is hardly surprising considering that person number one is where I spend most of my time) and people start to become frustrated. And I can totally understand that - I feel exactly the same sense of frustration.

I believe that my teacher at the Kabbalah centre can see all three, but rather kindly he is hiding his frustration. He said "I look at you, and I think you should already be there"

Interestingly enough, I think that my purpose in this lifetime is to find my soulmate, but before this can happen I need to love myself first. Oo. Tricky. Because currently what tends to happen is that the person I meet sees person number three and assumes I am person number two. And I panic. Sooner or later they will see person number one and feel completely deceived, so I start to chuck person number one at them - starting with brief glimpses here and there and finishing with spades - because they may as well know what I am like now and I may as well get hurt sooner rather than later. Why waste time?

Ouch. Well, I guess awareness is key. And I suppose that there is some comfort in the fact that everyone has a person number one. I guess that after all, I'm not that alone.

Yehuda Berg sent a daily update recently entitled: How do we change? And the answer to that was "Disgust". You need to become so disgusted with whatever habit, addiction, reaction you have, that you cannot not change it.

So my mission is clear, using the kabbalistic tool of Certainty in order to overcome Doubt (one of the great weapons of the Adversary), I need to get disgusted with many of the habits of person number one. Not so much that I expect person number one to be perfect - but so that the majority of the time I am happy enough with person number one that I actually start to become person number two, and such that traversing the gap between person number one and person number three doesn't require the assistance of a Himalayan mountaineering team.

No time like the present, I guess. Right, where shall I begin?

Finding the Balance

I didn't attend shabbat this Friday (Friday shabbat, despite its incredible energy and attraction for me, are subject to the restriction known as 'train fare'). This week I found myself learning how to dance Ceroc.

So where is the connection with Kabbalah? I hear you ask...

Well, for one thing, I arrived at my friend's cozy warm flat at 5pm, freezing cold, wet from walking in sleet and tired from lugging a weekend bag across half of London. I was in no mood to go back out and I felt inwardly sulky. In fact, I will now confess that my grumpy thoughts whilst I was stomping down the long, slushy hill extended to 'well, with any luck, the class won't be running' and 'perhaps she won't want to head out in this weather' and 'I don't even know how to dance and I am NOT in the mood to learn tonight'. I even found myself thinking 'I would much rather be going to shabbat' because I wasn't entering in to the unknown and knew that I would be getting in return i.e. a massive boost of energy.

But no, my friend was not thinking any of my thoughts, loved dancing and being a single mother, rarely got the opportunity. Luckily for me, my friend was determined to go (after all, that is why I had been invited) and luckily for her (I guess) this 'Kabbalah stuff' has taught me that Sharing is the name of the game and has hopefully made me a better person as a result. (I have a long way to go, but hey, I'm working on it).

So I gave myself a bit of a talking to. It wasn't just the cold (which I had by then recovered from) which was putting me off, it was the fear of the unknown, of not knowing how I would get on in the class, of meeting new people, of getting it wrong. I was feeling fairly insular all day on Friday and would have liked to have hibernated. And given the situation, I could either choose to be awkward and be dragged along by the scruff of the neck, acting like a really miserable b*tch and leaving my friend wishing that she had never asked me and knowing she would never ask me again. Or I could choose to actually get over myself, choose to enjoy the dancing even if it didn't turn out to be my bag (if you don't try, you don't know), and choose to give my friend the fun evening out that she so clearly desired and deserved.

I put my happy face on. I packed my 'hot date boots'. I left the flat with her and found that, actually, it no longer felt that cold.

And despite my 'hot date boots' skidding and slipping helplessly on the wooden dance floor all evening, leading one guy to comment "Yer all over the place. You have t'be better than that if yer want t'dance wi' me", I had a good time. And every time I caught myself dancing with someone who I wouldn't normally choose to be within ten feet of (see above), or thinking 'think of the energy I would have got from shabbat. I am missing out' I reined myself in and thought 'well, you're not at shabbat, you're here, and you're not making the most of it, which is a waste. Your choice'. And I made the conscious choice to enjoy myself.

I danced with some really great men too - in fact, I couldn't believe how many men were actually there (I have spent so much of my time dancing salsa paired up with another girl). Most of the men were so kind and put up with me turning the wrong way every now and again, or missing a hand hold. I didn't actually tread on anyone's feet and I didn't fall over. I did accidentally hit some poor chap in the face (and I don't know how he laughed it off because I think I broke a nail on his teeth!), but he didn't seem to bear a grudge. Okay, so he avoided me for the rest of the evening, but he didn't bear a grudge.

And at the end of the night I found myself dancing and then talking with a really nice guy who I would never have met if I hadn't been there.

I need to find my own balance with Kabbalah. I find that every time I attend the centre I receive energy - and perhaps that is something that I really crave at this point in my life, something that I need. There are so many great things going on at the centre that I could be there just about every day of the week - it is so easy to get 'greedy' for the Light. It's addictive. But where would the rest of my life be? And how would I get a life if I was attending the centre at every opportunity?

There is a balance there for me somewhere and I am working on finding it. It would be better for me to never attend the centre but 'do the work' in the 1% world, than attend the centre at every opportunity, grab the energy and not put any of it in to practice. All the same, with my tendencies for never seeing anything through, starting projects and never finishing, I am wary of being away from the centre for any length of time. So we'll see. Like I said, Balance (which I didn't seem to have too much of on the dance floor - maybe I can work on that too. I blame the boots).

My reward for not being a miserable cow on Friday? A chilled and relaxed weekend of delicious home cooked food, lots of girl talk, glasses of wine and a batch of homemade oatmeal, raisin and apricot biscuits.... Now that's good energy.

Shabbat!

Every time I hear the word "Shabbat" I think of Shabba Ranks (Shabba!). I can't help it.

Saturday Shabbat was my first experience of Kabbalah, when my sister - already attending the Chicago centre - came over to visit the UK and said "I really want to go and visit the London centre. I was thinking of going to Shabbat (Shabba!) on the Saturday morning. Will you come with me?"
Me: "So what happens at Shabbat?"
Sister: "Oh, I've no real idea"
Me: "But I won't have a clue what I am doing"
Sister: "Me either. Who cares. Coming?"
Me: "Errrm...ooookaaaayyy..."

You can see I was keen.

After finding a few 'spiritual' books ('Ask and it is Given', by Esther and Jerry Hicks (Or 'Get What You Want' as my sister continues to refer to it), the 'Conversations with God' trilogy by Neall Donald Walsch (the books that started all this off) and Dr Wayne Dyer's fabulous books and CDs, I felt that I had all that I needed to make a change to my life. Kabbalah was my sister's thing and I deeply suspected (incorrectly I might add) that her interest spawned from one day hoping to bump in to Madonna.

So anyway, we turned up for Shabbat (Shabba! Oh boy, I've gotta stop this) and spent the next three hours 'connecting'. I didn't have a clue what was going on but two things were clear:

1. The people at the centre were so incredibly friendly, open and helpful. There was an atmosphere of total acceptance. Two wonderful ladies sat with us through the whole confusing ceremony and helped us to follow what was going on; and
   
2. I felt like I'd come home. How strange is that.

And so I signed up for Power of Kabbalah One, where I learned that there was also a 'connection' on the Friday night, and to make the best of the energy you really need to attend both.

The first time I attended Friday night I thought 'okay, I have NO idea what is going on'. There were lots of songs to sing, raising our energy to Keter and back down to Malchut. All in Hebrew, of course, none of which I understand, but the energy in the room is phenomenal. Everyone sings with such gusto and it is this that I love.

I've always enjoyed joining in with a good sing-song, but to begin with I confess to feeling like a slight fraud. Here I was, standing in a room full of people, singing songs in Hebrew that I had no way of understanding (for all I know it could have been a version of 'She'll be coming round the mountain'). It is no wonder that people outside of Kabbalah get the impression that it is a cult - if I was walking past the centre right now I would be thinking that everyone inside was totally barmy.

And then there were the continual greetings of 'Shabbat Shalom!' and I felt slightly ridiculous returning the phrase - as though the words wouldn't properly form in my mouth. It was a bit like the awkwardness of speaking French in France and watching the face of the person you are talking to slowly drop with confusion. Isn't 'Shabbat Shalom' just for the Hebrew speakers? Why are they saying it to me? (Please, don't make me say it...)

Anyway, I continued with attending Shabbat and last Friday the 'connection' was incredible. I could have flown home. As I have continued pushing past my ego, things have changed in the following ways:

• I now know the songs well enough to help other people follow them, and no matter how I am feeling when I arrive at the centre, I feel determined to raise my mood and so I sing with gusto like everyone else. I don't care that I don't understand the words - they work.
• I now comfortably greet everyone I meet with 'Shabbat Shalom' without feeling like an imposter.
• I really couldn't care less if other people think we're barmy. I'm having the time of my life.
  
• If the singing during the connection is crazy, it doesn't compare with the hollering and table-banging of the post-meal Shabbat songs. The result is that I leave the centre feeling as though the weight of the world has been lifted from my shoulders.
  

And it cheers me up during the week when I find myself singing the words that I can remember over and over and over.

There is still a lot I would like to learn about the process, meaning and energy of Shabbat , but for now... Bar Yochai Nimshacta Asrechah.....