I continued with part one of my recent 3-part task last night and was left slightly confused.
I planned to burn the paper in daylight so that I didn't have to worry about the neighbours, but I found myself skirting around the three sheets of A4 lying on the floor and thinking 'must do that at some point' and then I switched on the TV and before I knew it, it was dark. Oh well.
I decided that the best plan was to re-read what I had written to fully connect with it again, and see whether I could even muster a few tears - tears being the indicator that I was actually feeling something and hence making progress. You see, that's part of the problem - I was going through hell all those years ago (hey - I know I'm not alone in that one, so it's not a 'woe is me' statement) and I wasn't allowed to cry about it. Or tell anyone about it. I wore a mask in front of other people (nooo, not literally, why spend money on a mask when a paper bag does the same thing?!) and behaved as if everything was okay. In fact, I did anything and everything not to draw attention to myself.
Anyway, I was thinking that a show of tears might be an indication that I was using the process "properly" and was afraid that without tears, a miracle transformation could not take place. I didn't get the tears, although what surprised me was the speed at which the pain in my back returned - it was instant. Very. Odd. So then I 'stayed in the zone' and took the three sheets of paper outside, and after tripping up the patio step in the dark (oo, that could have been nasty) I sat on the bench outside and burned the paper.
And it felt good to burn this paper and I focused as I had been instructed on burning it from within. But it burned so quickly! It took hours to write this stuff down and before I knew it, the whole lot was ash. So I sat there wondering 'did I really focus on burning this from within? Did it work? If this hasn't worked.... then I am going to have to spend another three hours writing it all out again'. I stood up from the bench and nearly fell over with a huge headache - so what does that mean??
My headache remained whilst I cooked my dinner, and the pain in my back was stupidly strong. 'I have failed' I thought, 'it's not going to work for me'.
And then I thought again. Maybe those feelings have been burned away and maybe there is more to address - but if I wait until I feel 'ready' then I am never going to get round to stage two. I need to complete the process the first time round and then see how different I feel. And if I need to, I will repeat it.
I can picture the scene at the swimming pool... "Mike...Mike.... she's here again... you know... that funny woman with the laminated sheet of paper who bobs up and down...."
The Dual Flush Cost
48 minutes ago
Love this KR. Great writing. Glad you didn't give yourself an injury on that step. And well done you for putting the effort in. I am really impressed and really proud. xx
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