Burnt up or burnt out?

I continued with part one of my recent 3-part task last night and was left slightly confused.

I planned to burn the paper in daylight so that I didn't have to worry about the neighbours, but I found myself skirting around the three sheets of A4 lying on the floor and thinking 'must do that at some point' and then I switched on the TV and before I knew it, it was dark. Oh well.

I decided that the best plan was to re-read what I had written to fully connect with it again, and see whether I could even muster a few tears - tears being the indicator that I was actually feeling something and hence making progress. You see, that's part of the problem - I was going through hell all those years ago (hey - I know I'm not alone in that one, so it's not a 'woe is me' statement) and I wasn't allowed to cry about it. Or tell anyone about it. I wore a mask in front of other people (nooo, not literally, why spend money on a mask when a paper bag does the same thing?!) and behaved as if everything was okay. In fact, I did anything and everything not to draw attention to myself.

Anyway, I was thinking that a show of tears might be an indication that I was using the process "properly" and was afraid that without tears, a miracle transformation could not take place. I didn't get the tears, although what surprised me was the speed at which the pain in my back returned - it was instant. Very. Odd. So then I 'stayed in the zone' and took the three sheets of paper outside, and after tripping up the patio step in the dark (oo, that could have been nasty) I sat on the bench outside and burned the paper.

And it felt good to burn this paper and I focused as I had been instructed on burning it from within. But it burned so quickly! It took hours to write this stuff down and before I knew it, the whole lot was ash. So I sat there wondering 'did I really focus on burning this from within? Did it work? If this hasn't worked.... then I am going to have to spend another three hours writing it all out again'. I stood up from the bench and nearly fell over with a huge headache - so what does that mean??

My headache remained whilst I cooked my dinner, and the pain in my back was stupidly strong. 'I have failed' I thought, 'it's not going to work for me'.

And then I thought again. Maybe those feelings have been burned away and maybe there is more to address - but if I wait until I feel 'ready' then I am never going to get round to stage two. I need to complete the process the first time round and then see how different I feel. And if I need to, I will repeat it.

I can picture the scene at the swimming pool... "Mike...Mike.... she's here again... you know... that funny woman with the laminated sheet of paper who bobs up and down...."